June 15 00 once again, this explains it all. I need to vent so I guess writing here is something useful, since I can't talk to my family about this. However as I still think long catalogues of complaints ar usually boring to read, after today I'll talk about other stuff, If I can get my mind off. if you want to know how this crap is going then you can ask me. highlight of this morning's phone conversation with yet another bureaucrat-- him: "forgive me if this is intrusive but is your mother really in a bad way, and is this really a serious operation?" no, asshole, I've just been crying and yelling on the phone to you for the past half-hour because I like humiliating myself.

June 14 00 (more coming later) Woken up at around 5am by cramps. staggered around my room without my glasses (I'm blind as a bat) knocking things off overcrowded surfaces groping for the painkiller. back to sleep, to weird sexual dreams about LDL kissing me with a mouth full of food and i get half (some kind of grain or flakes like TVP). woken up again by a kid having a tantrum outside, full-on, screaming and stomping. now I'm up, thinking of doing some more freewriting for my thesis. feeling unmotivated. I have been studying, you know, only less than I had planned. wotta suprise. I just want to see my mom and make her operation go well, and all else feels trivial. feh.

Later: well, just what I fucking well needed at this time. I don't know if I'll feel like writing for a few days. this pretty well sums up what's going on with me. that tantrum was an omen.

June 13 00 the archive of my (June 7) set is apparently at http://www.gaialive.co.uk/presents/fusem/index-t.shtml.. my set doesn't begin until 45 minutes or so into the broadcast. the first part is Lani, who plays quite different stuff, but she only went on from 2-2:35 or :45. I think the set list must be for her stuff as well.. none of that is my music. anyway check it out and let me know what you think

June 12 00 still a little stretchybrained, after quite a weekend. Friday the cafe I've been playing at was closed for remodeling, but we found an alternate bar-cafe, just as cool, only smaller, more intimate. The downstairs had lots of little low round tables with mosaics for tops, and round cushions on teh floor to sit on. candles and hangings on the ceilings. sort of a moroccan feel or something. very chill. I was proud of my set, tried something different this time: usually I'm quite eclecto dropping sounds and beats in and out, this time I was more linear, mixing out of QSC's jazzy (too "jazzy" not enough jazz for my tastes) Drumnbass into dry, tech-y stuff (starting with Photek), getting rougher and harsher, bring in an aggresso-jazz kind of feel, but very harsh and syncopated, then cutting into a little jump-up and ending with ragga. i like to think it had an inexorable flow. fun, as well, only again, not a dancing space.

Saturday walked round in the sunshine and chilled with MHB at his workspace, where he basically holds the fort on the weekends, overlooking tottenham court road. watched people and talked, listened to beats be folks we knew and drank tea. SCS had called and insisted that I should go with him and some friends to some party in a field in Norfolk, two hours from London. I invited MHB and his lady. We all met up at 11pm to start driving, SCS and two mates (one of whom plays in a band with the guitarist from Napalm Death!) and MHB and his lady (who i don't know well enough to give an acronym to yet I'm afraid). And drove. and drove. and missed the turn. and SCS didn't have directions. so phone calls (thank god for mobiles) were made, and we thought we might be near so we pulled over and stopped the engine and rolled down all the windows and listened. no.. yess... noo.. yes faintly some beats on the aural horizon, drove on a bit. stopped again and listened. beats a little louder. then eventually (we really were in the middle of nowhere) we saw a car come out of an unpaved sidetrack, with wired-up kids in it. that must be the turning. drove down it, bumping along in our 80s-era VW van, there was a woman standing with a flashlight who SCS knew, so we didn't pay anything, and finally we arived and parked. at 4 a.m. yes FOUR IN THE MORNING. and it was already getting pre-dawn light.
the music was pretty boring, three tents, a big one with hard techno, a smaller one with more techno, and a third one with breaks, but silly lite breaks, music I hadn't really heard before but kind of hippy-noodling over hip hop, like phish with beats. Very bland. later, 'funky cold medina' was played. feh. There were lots of young local kids, lots of crusties, white folks with dreads, some more tattooed people and pierced and shaven people. A very white crowd, I think I saw five or six poc total. lots of big stripey sweaters, army pants, and dogs, happy dogs running around. I walked off into the fields to see the sun rise, which was lovely, with green hills and farmland all around, and the techno a rumble in the distrance. came back, and fuinally in the more breaks-y tent some jungle and drumnbass and hardcore was played. a dj who wasn't beatmatching much, but had a fine the-hell-with-it attitude, just slamming the fader back and forth between crazy screaming beats. There was a truck with a teashop in it, tea coffee, beer, adn fresh fruit. small bars in each tent, also water and fruit available. As the sun came up in a clear sky, it began to warm up, and suddenly a dj came on and played a well-mixed straightforward dnb set, which I danced to. Tiring to dance on an uneven surface, no sliding, and you have to pick your feet up high and place them kind of carefully. one of SCS's mates had driven us there, and SCS had been the one to drive us back, but when he arrive her was "too wired" and proceeded to drink a lot of beer and smoke up a ton, and as a result nobody was in any condition to drive us any the fuck where for a good long time. Then passed several hours of alternating between lying in the sun as people started trickling away, while the music was still playing. getting up to dance for a bit, then lying back down, the blanket between two of the tents. The big tent soundsystem was playing reggae,perfect, first more conscious dancehall then a lot of roots. I was in this delirious state that comes from no sleep and exercise, where my body had basically given up trying to control me and was pliant to my wil. lie down and close eyes=sleep. open eyes=no sleep. get up=dance. it was oddly pleasant. Being the only sober one was getting a bit more of a drag. SCS's mates were fine to chat with. SCS every now and then would get apologetic, especially about his state. only more boring thing than being on different wavelengths while someone is fucked up is having to listen to them apologize about it.. MHB and lady were mostly kissing. or vanished. or kissing. sigh... the sunshine washed us hot and toasty, and we finally scraped ourselves out of there at 3pm or so.

June 7 00 There should be an archive of my set at that website addy, for those of you interested in a little moosic. I played from 2:45-4:00 pm (DJ Ripley). I'll try to find out the exact location of the archived bit, I think they keep it up for two weeks.

when you come home all tired and flu-y and hit with a wave of inexplicable nostalgia, eat some toasted cheese and then turn on the tv for a minute: "Sixteen Candles" is on. It's all over. I'm just sayin'. <--(written at 2am)

(written at 11am)--> try http://www.gaialive.co.uk at 3pm Greenwich Mean Time (five hours earlier if you're on US Eastern Standard time) and you should be able to find me doing a set as DJ Ripley. woo!

June 4 00 Went for a long walk in finally-summery sunshine, with a friend, whose acronym should be might-have-been sweetheart (MHB)and his new lady. Wandered up over railyway bridges, climbed walls, looked out over Brick Lane, then farther on in the middle of the city was a park and we saw horses there. beauty. many sights that I want to give my LDL, perches to curl, dusty with city soot in sun's heat. got a bit mopey, sittin' on the couch later with MHB and co., as they rubbed noses, caressed hands and were generally kissyface. rolled my third wheel home at 2.

June 2 00 Recent searches: "appendectomy women scar", "got the hiccups", "humour+domestic violence+jokes", "real life highschool stereotyping" and one that makes me think of my sweetie: "amateur sex insomnia".

when I sleep, my hair is like an extra limb in the bed. usually ends up shoved over the edge, where it picks up lint all night. incentive to dust i guess.