12/17 *shame.* melty has links to BBC and CNN sites about the bombings which commenced last night. BBC has soundclips of that murderous bastard Clinton and Tony Blair. shame! why don't they feel it?

12/16 Right on. this is exactly the kind of thing I've been looking for.

On a totally different tack. la lovely malinchista was talking about first times and inspired me to make a list too:

• first tongue-kiss: when I was in Holland, as part of a high-school dance-company. A skinny blond (of course) dutch boy whose name, i'm sorry to say, I can't remember.
• first dating relationship: he was 22, I was 15. actually, I'm pretty grateful to him because we didn't have sex and we totally could have. I didn't know what the hell was going on, and if he'd wanted to I probably would have been like "um okay" without really knowing what was up.
• first serious boyfriend: a long-distance relationship with a 6'4" satanist from maine. we did have a connection. but it didn't end up being too physical. actually the combination of being a big guy (none of your business) and inarticulate need/desire was a little scary at the time.
• 'first time': well it's hard to pinpoint. I was dating this guy and he couldn't use condoms (instant loss of erection) and we didn't want to do it unprotected, so we did everything else we could think of. a lot. So i guess the actual first time (after I got birth control) was unspectacular, because we had gotten pretty good at the everything else stuff.
• first birth control: diaphragm. spent ages chasing the slippery little fucker around the bathroom. those things are springy, and when covered with lube a little hard to control.
• first drink of alcohol in a bar: on the same Netherlands trip. Ah, europe. I had half a Tuborg over about three hours. It tasted nasty.
• first being dumped: an on-again-off again (for four years!!) relationship with the first-time guy. (other guys in between) Finally he called it off. by phone. while i was in Germany on a two-week vacation.
• first "female ejaculation" (omigod I'm blushing. but people should know it can happen) November of1990. (potential harassers, I will not respond to rude email about this one, so save it ok? thanks)

12/15oooof. Classes ended yesterday, and today a teacher hosted a study session with food in the next room. I ate all the leftovers. Meanwhile, wondering 'why o why do i eat like a starving pig?' Not that i eat a lot (often the reverse), but it's a mile a minute until i come up for air, so I often eat more than I mean to because my stomach doesn't have time to send me the message that it's full. Where does this come from? I've never had to worry about having enough, no siblings to fight for food, and yet when i'm hungry and food is before me I shovel it into my mouth, whuffling and gulping. It's also not that I don't like the taste --when I like the taste I eat it so fast that I regret it because now I'm not eating it any more. My ex/not ex kindly says that this is all part of my enthusiastic nature. I also used to be the world's loudest apple eater, until somebody pointed out that you could hear me two rooms away. ahem. anyway...

The Left Business Observer has an interesting article about race and unemployment.. and even more interesting is the archive of messages on their discussion list. What part of the debate is over is this: do working-class and poor whites benefit from racism/racial discrimination in wages and employment? this is an interesting debate, i encourage you to check out the discussion at the LBO. It reminds me of the whole controversy over whether slavery was profitable or not (Stanley Engerman et al).
It's hard to deal with the idea that racist institutions can sustain themselves. of course, they haven't done so in the same form over time, but have they 'worked' acording to their own goals? And what are their goals? were those institutions based on anything other than maintaining racial dominance? And do they change because they were internally unstable or because so-called external factors (new laws, social movements, fashion)? It's fascinating to read people on various sides of the issue. One person writes about how they have been, in union activity, discussing with (for example) white workers that racism hurts them too, that it's in their own self-interest to work against it. "is this argument incorrect?" he is rightly wondering. And how depressing if it is, and unsatisfying to an idealist like myself. But as another person points out, part of why these systems work so well is because some people DO benefit by them. I think this is important to remember. this goes back to the issue that miss melty and mimi have discussing in the past regarding the journal Race Traitor. It is not enough to reject being white,one also has to acknowledge the privilieges associated with being white that go beyond individual control. This is not about guilt. In some ways, i think the drive to reject whiteness is more about guilt. I don't think it's enough to say "this is bad. I don't want to be bad so i reject this," that mindest doesn't get into how it is that so many people have been complicit in bad things. It isn't, ultimately, that useful. in fact it seems a little self-congratulatory.
To go back to benefiting from racism, another difficulty is how to defining benefits/detriments, what is included or excluded: do psychological benefits count? How do you weigh psychological vs. material benefits/detriments?
(As someone who does have a great respect for the material world, I would not ignore the possibility that in a more complex analysis can bring to light material benefits even if at first they are not apparent. In my short experience, and examination of histories of thinking about various problems, this has happened in the past. developing a theory that takes into account more aspects of a situation can be enlightening, if it's done carefully.
But cultural critics out there will also have a lot to say about other benefits/disadvantages. Issues of psychic or emotional wellbeing should not be taken lightly. As should the question of "what is external to the things being measured"? --especially if one is concerned with the quality of life.

On a related note, I was thinking again about how I talked about productivity in an earlier rant. What is or is not included in productivity? A simple example is how the Gross Domestic Product is counted, where mergers can count as a rise even though enormous layoffs result. or whether environmental pollution and depletion of finite natural resources are included along with the short-term financial benefits of a particular activity. An email I recieved said "there is ALWAYS good use to be made of productivity." can you use productivity to increase leisure or reduce pollution --what if productivity CAUSES pollution? Again, there is an issue with definitions. Does productivity, in itself, count as good until it is put to good use?

12/14 In two weeks I have my first timed, in-class exam in about 7 years. if you need to place me, place me on the "paper/take-home" side of that divide. I think as i write. I never could do that thing where you write the outline first, then write the essay. I need to get rolling, spin out a few thoughts, let my mind leap to connections i hadn't known were there. My essays in-class are usually skinny at the beginning and eternally expanding. So some trepidation surfaces, quivering, as I contemplate the next couple weeks.

I just recieved holiday gifts from my department, and I'm blown away --two $50 gift certificates, one two tower and one to Waterstone's bookstore. Professor's know what's important. Besides, they can tell by the stack of cd's next to the compter and the piles of books and magazines blanketing most surfaces of the office. This blanket is not lightened by the fact that the Wall Street journal seems to think there are two of me at this office. Or that I'm armless and need to lay out four pages at once so I don't need as much help turning the pages.

12/10 I saw Djs Kemistry and Storm last night. Absolutely transcendental, dense polyrythmic jazz-jumpup-dark-step-roller jungle. And when I say jazz, I don't mean "jazzy" as in: 'that chill, classy, mellow, jazzy feeling' I mean rolling upright bass lines, percussive live-drum-sample breaks, punctuating horn blasts.. then rollercoastering darker and heavier into crazed multirythmic beats... One of the most interesting sets, as a whole, that I've heard played in at least a year. Much more complex and shapely (well, it had a shape, that's what I mean) than most 2-hour sets of beats. So inspiring, to see two ladies kickin' it. And they were both in 4-inch heels. Not that I like heels that much, but it was kinda the Ginger Rogers effect - they did everything they boys did except in heels too (and ginger did it backwards and in heels. respect!). Oh it was great. And I danced almost non-stop. I realized that it's not only that I've been getting tired and dancing less when I go out, it's that the beats don't inspire me. At some points last night, I felt like I was flying.

both pamie and malinchista mention masturbation. Right on. Pamie actually has a whole piece on touching and it's really nice. Looking back, I've always felt grateful about my sexual experiences, although that means I have fewer funny stories. But really, I've been lucky in my choice ("choice" when I was 15-18 or so) of lovers. so thanks, lovers, wherever you are now. (jeez I wonder where the hell most of'em are now. forming a mutual support group maybe)

the only humorous image i remembered based on pamie's story is of when I participated in a medical study - a new kind of cervical cap. the gynecologist pioneering it was a 70-plus man. And he had to do all the exams (I got free testing for everything, free pap smears, etc etc, plus the pill for free. not bad for uninsured me. plus I was paid a total of 250 dollars). but it was weird to look down between my knees and see his bald, age-spotted head. And hear his vigorous, but still slightly cracked voice coming up to me. It wasn't bad, actually, and he was quite nice, but it was a strange thing to see.