9/15 Mr. Seed So a couple weeks ago I had the strangest interchange. I was talking with a gentleman that I didn't know very well, but was curious to know better. There had been some *vibes* between us. We'd hung out and fooled around a bit. (i was feeling devil-may-care and single at the time. Remind me why it is I'm usually so cautious).....Anyway, he had told me that he had a daughter, three years old, living in Minnesota. So we started talking about life choices, being young, big decisions.. after a while I asked if he and the baby-mother had always been sure they were going to keep the baby. He said "Oh no question about it at all. My Seed? My Seed Shall Grow."

For real, now. His exact words. I can't tell you how gross that made me felt. How quickly that ruled out the possibility of any sexual activity which could possiby risk pregnancy. Of course, I was so speechless.. i couldn't even respond to it at the time. Just shifted the topic to something else. But it made my stomach hurt. He gave no indication of how the baby-mother felt. I just imagined myself with a broken condom, the possibility of pregnancy, and this guy speaking for whatever cellular activity was going on in my body. It felt so invasive. I never had it spelled out to me so clearly before, what "no question" feels like when someone applies it to your own body. gahhh. Too weirded out to continue right now.

9/14 Greyday. I guess it's actually fall. Yesterday watched another of my alltime favorite flicks, Freeway. A lovely retelling of the Red Riding Hood, reset in Southern California. A pretty scathing image of victim-mentality psychobabble and a girl's refusal to be cast as victim.
This is an area of discussion that one has to tread pretty lightly around. I am SO not down with the nouvelle "post-feminist" Camille-Paglia "morning-after" crap. What all of those so-called power-feminists ignore is the existance of structural discrimination. Power is not merely a personal decision, right? The society that we live in accords us privileges and disadvantages. Moreove, our actions can support and/or subvert exploitation and oppression. That's the choice we face, over and over again. Although I try to remember words like "survivor" rather than "victim" (of rape, perhaps), The problem with the concept of survivor is that it does not differentiate between earthquakes and wilful harm.

Moreover, it does not articulate that someone was exerting coercive force, usually by taking advantage of their position in society relative to the person they hurt.

We, as a society, can't afford to forget that, not for a second. The concept of personal power is an interesting one. It's important to believe that you can do anything you put your mind to. It is equally important to recognize that some shit is going to happen to you that you can't do a thing about. You can't take it personally, but neither should you ignore the system that allows such shit to happen. That structures society so that certain shit happens to certain people more than to other people, and moreover that some folk benefit from shit happening to other folk.. if you get my drift.
Anyway, Freeway is rad. Filled with memorable liners, killer acting (except for Brooke Shields who at least mocks herself accurately), and good writing. Reese Witherspoon plays Vanessa Lutz, a girl who may be ignorant of some things, but put her in a situation where power is being abused and she turns all the tables. She's full of alternative sources of knowledge, like how to make a knife out of a toothbrush. She may not be the deepest person, but she's doing all right. I don't mean to condescend, but it's kool how angst-free she is. She doesn't see herself as a victim even though her life is sooo rough. She gets along. As we get snapshots of her life we see how she tangles with authority, with the law, with various socializing structures that don't work too well. But the feeling I get most is that if people just stopped fucking with her, she would be fine.
the other kool thing a bout Freeway is the way the violent scenes are filmed. they're dizzying, hectic, and over before you know it. the most powerful chocie is that you don't see the point of connection for most of the blows landed --they happen too fast. this is powerful for two reasons: 1)that's the way the violence I've experienced feels. I couldn't speak about sustained torture, but a fight, or a car accident. When you feel the effects of the blow more than the blow itself. 2) Less subjectively, and from a film-critic's standpoint, you are deprived of the "come-shot." Violence on screen is often sexualized, almost pornographic portrayals of penetration and physical contact. The impact of a fist on a jaw is magnified in an orgasmic shudder, a jolt which makes you want more. In this flick, the violence is so disorienting that it's not till it's over that you realize the effects, --during, you don't have time.
Reminds me of my favorite shot in "predator," a definite comeshot- the Predator (big rasta alien badass!) backhands Arnold across the face in slo-mo, sending a huge line of bloody spit out his mouth. gushhhh. (ewwww gross, i know, but that's what it is.)

9/11 Bleahhh. Went to the "Modern Library 100 best books of the 20th century" on someone's recommendation. On their first Reader's Poll, Ayn Rand is ruling the top ten. Now the publisher's list is no better --hardly any women at all there--, but Ayn Rand? Come on people. All of you get over there and vote for some authors. Get a little more gender and racial reality into that list. I mean, Robert Heinlein is on the reader's list. F'pete's sake! I will come out to you all: I was a computer geek, and before that I read a whole lot of Heinlein's early, pre-pubescent stuff (no girls at all). When he started getting into having female characters he was kind of a pig. Actually really a pig. I mean they were such a male-gaze fantasy. Then also, he's such a fascist - so many of his books create situations where you have to follow orders unquestioningly or the aliens will take over. People are forced to kill their nearest and dearest because ya gotta be tough to survive, plus the man in charge knows more than you. In The Puppet Masters we know teen boys are taken over by aliens because they don't seem interested in looking down a pretty woman's shirt. And then his racism... I stopped reading him when I picked up a book of his called Fifth Column in which, um, the Pan-Asians (yeah that's right) invade the US and take over, and everything true and free becomes ensared in oriental ritual (especially suicide) and conformity. Luckily a few brave 'americans' form a resistance group, and are meanwhile doing scientific research which finds that asian people have something in their blood which 'americans' don't have..at that point I had a physical reaction of nausea and revulsion and threw the book across the room. Haven't picked him up since. the man is capable of telling a good yarn, but what a fascist, sexist, homophobic racist scumbag! Ooooagh. just had to get that outta my system. Anyway go vote for better books than are up there now, and save us from the Ayn Randers.

9/11 A quick note today. I noticed on my counter that there are about 50 or so people who have hit his site from a domain ending .gov --who are you? Doesn't this mean people are reading my pages from government organizations? Do y'all have any grant money for me? Sign my guestbook or something.