5/7 So for the past weeks this ongoing discussion has been occurring in my brain.. "I really need to get moving on my paper. and i have to cut off ALL of next week to study for the final. but I've already sent in my grad school application, and I already sent in my transcripts and i already HAVE a degree. I really am going to be stressed out. I'm moving during finals week too. but I signed up for the course. I don't want to disappoint my prof. I like him. but the grade won't mean anything! But I SAID I'd do it.." And then today my professor called me up and told me that he didn't want me to take the final.. or hand in the paper. That he's enjoyed having me in the class, and he knows i'm really busy and stressed out because of moving and waiting to hear from schools, and he's going to give me a little end-of-the-semester gift. I'LL FUCKING SAY!

5/6 As the summer approaches, things start getting really busy. Of course, since I told everyone I was applying to grad school. Every day is a constant stream of "have you heard from schools yet?" No I haven't fucking heard already. when i've heard, you'll know. you won't be able to avoid knowing. Whew! Lucky I have so many things around to distract me, like music: last night I checked out Burning Airlines (with members of Jawbox) and Arab On Radar. Burning Airlines were okay, melodic, with vocal harmonies. Rythmically interesting, but a little poppier than what I go for. Arab on Radar were just ridiculously loud and noisy. pretty good, actually. i remember when a band I was in played with them. We all mystified each other, each of us outthere in our own way. I wonder what it was like to watch. Last night, all the locals were there --it was at the club down the street from me-- and damn am I going to miss being down the street from it.. No more stopping by the club on the way home to see who's there, who's working. feh.

okay enough moping. maybe i'm premenstrual (ah that would explain the zits which keep sprouting at the least opportune moments and places. i swear i'm not a teen. i'm 25! when will this end?). the boston "cyber-arts festival" has been ongoing for the past week. Saturday night more of the toneburst folks will be doing their thang at the club down the street. beats and treats. so that'll be fun. Last weekend they did something at the Mass. College of Art where (I heart)Thurston Moore's new musicthing performed. they called their performance toneborscht, five guys with computers, samplers, turntables etc, all streaming sound and beats. it was pretty entertaining to listen to. except that all the kids were sitting down. And watching five guys sitting at a table was only interesting sometimes, like when they were all nodding in unison. Fully Celebrated Orchestra did their freejazz excitement. it was pretty fun. They are very tight and fluid, even when they freak out in crazy ways. geisha (t.moore's thing) wasn't too interesting. it was too linear noise-experiemental-sound-y. It seemed contentless. some ideas were interesting, but once they were gone, they never came back and i instantly forgot most of it. maybe i'm getting old?

5/5 Cinco de Mayo. Feeling better today, for some reason. Listened to NPR on Kosovo last night. I'll be interested to see what kind of coalition comes out between European nationas, Russia and the US. What kind of power bloc is this? What are their common interests, really? An American commentator let slip that he thought we HAVE to build a solid relationship with Russia in these negotiations almost regardless of the effect on Kosovo, because the Russian elections are coming up, and if the US doesn't work with Russia, some communists could get back in power and "that would be worse than what's going on in Kosovo." Excuse me?

5/4 Now the waiting begins. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, thinking mostly about my future. limbo-state is not good for my nerves. I was also full of vietnamese iced coffee whose syrupy punch may have shocked my head awake late. That would be a new response for me. Usually I can sleep off caffeine. Whatever the cause, I was staring at the streetlight's reflection and thinking about apartment-hunting in London, about what to do if i don't get in anywhere, if I really want to go to Edinburgh for Economic History. I was thinking about Mr. Zing and our two dates which were nice, and somewhat lusty, but not necessarily promising. I think he may be too much work. he's kind of crusty. cantakerous. curmudgeon-y. in a word --negative. And he doesn't seem to be able to tell or show me what i need to know. And james baldwin, as usual, is the opposite of counsel. Whenever I read him, he blows my comfort wide open, and fills me with something else, more awake.

5/3 If you blinked you missed it. happy May Day. International Workers of the World day. If I wasn't still cranky i'd sing the updated version of the Internationale. Consider it sung like our boy Billy Bragg used to do.

Sorry about the wallowing last week. I was sick. I'm better. it just seemed the wrong moment somehow. a big energy-drain. i'm mostly better although still cranky.

I've been thinking about memory. Partly it's from reading Tell Me How Long the Train's Been Gone by James Baldwin, a book which wrecked me almost as much as another country. But somehow it's been a theme the past few days. Especially considering all the violence in the air. I don't have many really bad memories. I've been an exceptionally lucky person. When my mind gets on a downward spiral, it's usually just on embarassing incidents, times i said something really dumb in front of people i admire. occasionally worse things, fight with friends, ruptures in communication that proved infertile. but really, no horror. but so many people, it seems, will have stories to tell which may not leave their tongues. the aftermath of war, for civilians, soldiers, refugees. Survivors. the pieces of self that are entangled with gone things, lost things, broken things. triggers in the senses. mental cul-de-sacs. people are large enough to hold the hugest things inside them. i don't mean to sound naive but sometimes it takes my breath away.

4/28 Yup, puffy throat, sleepy eyes. slept from 3:30 to 7:30, then 9:30 to morning.i guess it helped. but I could go sleep some more, I think..