I am:
junglintellectual tactile subversivewhat spurs me to write:
fascination/frustration with languagefury/inspiration in economics
back issues of my journal?
head to my kitchen
Gimme some backtalk
my guestbook sucks, y'all, but you can write me
June 23 01
I'm at my folks' place in Arlington MA. my roommate and about five other exboston folks in wburg were going up to Boston for another art opening at the ONI gallery, and I was eatin' my heart out about it because I just plain can't afford greyhound. not even the chinatown shuttle. So I had resigned myself to an empty house, and the the fact that I wasn't going to see my folks, who I miss. And then this morning I wander into m y neighborhood cafe where I always go, and who is there but pixmaven and her man. So I sit down with them, and they say "we just came in for the squarepusher show last night and we're going back to boston today." so I have a ride. free. right on. only five and a half hours later we're pulling into boston and i hop straight to the oni to see some folks and sweat on the un-air-conditioned fifth floor under the bright lights nice. it's a surgical strike though, i pull out monday AM bright and early.June 20 01 yeah yeah. I have no email access, no web access at home. I just found out that I can do fetch on my friend's mac, but i feel bad monopolizing their computer. O well, they're not using it today anyway. So here in my new place, I'm having some fun, because it's hard not to if you like music and peoplewatching and you live in williamsburg. However. I am fucking broke. As i just wrote to a dear friend, i've never lived like this before, and I'm not sure I like it. I know I've had it lucky up until now., i've always had a job before I uprooted myself, before I moved. This time I just up and moved and figured it will work out. It has to somewhow. But the temp agency after giving me so much encouragement, has found me NO WORK. Well today they told me they could start me at a permanent job at a tax law office, seriously conservative business attire. At 40k to start. And how much did it hurt to say no? well, not excruciating, but painful. Because I dunno how I'm going to make rent this month! But it's not even IP law, it's not even temp-to-perm (where I could quit if i don't like it, with a clear conscience and a good relationship with my agency, which i need -even though they're doing me a fat lot of good right now) The worst of it is that people owe me money. A guy in london who said he'd buy my turntables has dithered and hedged and dithered. He swore he would months ago, and then things kept coming up, for him. All these reasons why he can't pay me. Which basically translate into his problems are more important than mne. Which i'm sure they are, to him. But you shouldn't promise what you can't deliveer. How do i always get into this? Everywhere? Blagh.. But now i've left london and I can't really sell them from afar too easily.
And my exlove owes me so much money I'm embarassed to say how much, and I don't want to talk to himn because he's in such a dreadful state. I called him before i went off to the conference. I was walking home and I was thinking of him and wondering how he's doing, i get free longdistance on my mobile, so I gave him a buzz. We chatted, he was a little taken aback but whatever. So then last week i got this email from him, kinda rambly saying all kinds of weird shit like he was suprised to hear from me, didn't think i'd want to talk to him (the way he's treated me he's kinda right), like he thought I'd have some ulterior motive for calling.. then he says if i want to talk he'd be down because he might be visiting nyc soon, but he's "not really feeling" the "last-minute, cell phone, while-you're-commuting call" "as if it was an afterthought." How mean is that? What the hell is his problem? I guess it's not enough that I think of him and give him a call. I'm supposed to hire a marching band? Contact his secretary? So even though i've poured an enormous amount of myself into him and into a relationship with him over the past four years.. maybe it's all been a waste. Maybe we cant even be friends... what a fuckin' waste. And now, now I have to think of how i also could really use the money he owes me. But can I call him? Nooo. I should though. I can't believe I'm still worried about how mean it would look for me to be like 'fine, pay me the money you owe me.' But hasn't he already been so mean? And haven't i been generous to the point of ridiculousness/ probably to the point where it was my ego getting involved. Unrealistic generousness is probably vanity. But really. Really. I'm not the asshole here. So why do i feel bad?
May 1 01 --tmi alert-- discussion of stds and birthcontrol below ok i know it's been a while. i been sick. and traveling. and playing. tonight I played a gig at a little night in Boston that's a benefit for a local zine that does good, that has a social conscience. I had a three-way tag-team with two awesome djs, skinny b and dj ray. nice guys, too, without that attitude you sometimes get, that hoggin-tha-decks vibe.
recently there was also bit-o-drama. a blast from my past, which hit someone else's present. Anyway the unfortunate mindset subtext recently has been sexually transmitted disease, as a friend of mine was just given one by a guy i also know, kinda (from my past). she's upset and acting out, a bit, and it turned into a big confrontiation, which, as they're both mcs, ended up in rhyme, partly. i didn't want to be an audience for this. the interchange was uncomfortable. it brought me down. partly because although i understand why he participated and kinda dominated her with his verbal skill --she was the one to initiate a public confrontation (which I wouldn't have done)-- but i also felt, watching him, why do you have to win every battle? he said "she took it there so i had to meet her on that level." and that i don't altogether like. if he feels he's in a more secure place, why not give her a chance to step away? why does everyone have to be tough all the time? if people give each other more chances (especially here when it would have helped more than it hurt), would that allow for something good to grow? i dunno. i dunno enough about the situation. but it left me thinking hard. she was in the weaker position, in the confrontation. i wish sometimes people would step away from the battle. it is hard to know, though. to trust. but it's always hard. it's hard and hardening to be alone, too, and trust no-one.
talking with people i know, i'm finding out that many more of my friends than i thought have stds, especially herpes. i feel extra-lucky i don't, especially as i have dated someone who had had it for a long time (tho it was never active when we were dating). but it's interesting to me, who talks about it. how there is so much shame still, around these things. i wish everyone felt okay talking about it, since otherwise people are tempted to lie. it's scary stuff. I had my own scare, with testing positive for hpv (human papilloma virus, the one that causes genital warts), but i got off lucky, as the hpv strain i have has no symptoms except for showing up occasionally on a smear. and slightly increasing my chances of cervical cancer.. ew...yeah.... anyway what i got has no symptoms at all in men, although they can transmit it. the cdc (center for disease control) says there's no way to screen for it in men at all, and in women only when it's active and shows up in a pap smear. they say as well, that up to 90% of women may test positive for it at some point, but that most immune systems take care of it and they never have any trouble. so i do feel lucky. I've almost always used a condom (except with two long-term monogamous boyfriends who got tested with me, and one lapse five years ago), and i will always use one unless i'm with ltmbs who get tested with me. so i'm doing what i can. but i still remember talking with a guy, pre-gettin-down, about our pasts. he was the most careful i ever met about condoms and testing (for someone who was clean), and when i told him i had not used a condom in the past, i wish i could remember how he phrased it. but he turned to me with real worry and concern in his face, and asked me how i could put myself in danger like that, as if i was somebody precious. and i was about to be defensive, then i thought about it, about how real his concern was, and i thought about all the silly reasons, having to do of course with not wanting to feel rejected, when the moment was all about seeking love or approval.. and i had to say "because sometimes people are weak. i was. sometimes they value other people's approval and desire more than their own bodies." which is scary. so listening to my friend, somewhat inappropriately confront the man who she had been a little weak with, i was wishing he had more concern. because she already has her comeback for her lapse, the world is always ready to step in and smack down the weak. but weakness comes mostly from lack of support.. how are we to stand if we can't get any? i don't believe in that bootstrap phantasy.
of course at the time my sympathy was with her more than him (i know her better). partly exacerbated by the fact that he and i had fooled around once a couple of years ago, and when he saw me this time he didn't remember me, eventually recognised my face, i think but did not at all remember the circumstances we met, or even my name. i had called him by his dj name, so he defended 'you don't know my name either; then i called him by his real name and secret middle name, which he had told me in bed. he was floored. still couldn't get my name out. didn't remember where he'd told me. i called him on it: "If you have to make me tell you where you told me that, in front of everyone here, then you'll feel even worse, buddy." so i was not feeling optimistic about his thoughtfulness.. March 29 01 My proposal has been accepted to the conference in June on (re)thinking the caribbean. conference is in barbados. i get to present on theories of intellectual property and their unexplored assumpions, and how those assumptions have affected the kind of research done in the caribbean. awright. of course, it looks like I'm speaking last in the last session. junior little me. everyone will be on the beach by that time. The high point of interest, though, is the session on gender, sexuality, and homophobia in the caribbean. never seen such a topic in a caribbean setting (meaning actually in the caribbean). i'm so there. i'd diss my own paper to be there.
In the past week, after saying a sodden goodbye to FAC at the bus stop in the flooding rain, I soaked up a good amount of culchah. Friday rolled with old friends in an enormous plush pathfinder-type suv (sorry, environment) to Lillis, after a hearty meal of vietnamese food and mud pie ice cream, and a detour to watch that movie about an integrated football team, that was very Disney, but had denzel in it. i'm a sucker. i'll watch anything he's in. and even like it a bit. anyway rollin' rollin' rollin'(think rawhide not rap-rock) on, we sampled us some count zero my friend (exbf) b's band. Lilli's is a new venue, with (the times I've been) a crowd pretty much as caucasian as the day is long, lots of tats and betty page bangs and cateye glasses and such. Very Boston. The band, due to a soundman who should forever be locked away from mixing live shows, sounded like one enormous blown-out bassline, with some tinkly bits hiding in the chasms, and the main vocalists voice floating disconnected on top. I kept wanting to go tell soundguy that he should do something about the bass, but I doubted he'd listen to me, him being the soundguy and all. I felt bad because I'd brought two friends, and they were not as into the music as i think they would've been if they could have heard it properly. Funny to see all the women watching b, and he seems oblivious or embarassed, and the ladies they love him. he's such a non-rockstar-type, and i love it that he's getting the oohs and ahs, while playing bass, guitar, keyboards, throwin out harmonyvoxcals and avoiding looking at them cuz he gets distracted. I went up front and caught his eye in the middle of one of the last tunes, and we both got those silly grins, the ones right before the giggles. unfortunately i had to leave before the show was over, so i couldn't tease him about the crowd of people around him as he tries to packup his gear. hee. i hope they get really really famous. partly just to see him get more embarassed.
Saturday was the ONI gallery's grand opening, after a year or more of hard work and suffering, and sleeping on sheets of plywood in an unfinished loftspace with no plumbing. B's one of the people who's been involved with it since the beginning. He used to live in it when it was in its first incarnation in chinatown. Now he no longer lives there but still spends hours and hours there. if I was dating him the gallery would be the other woman, the priority (except for the band) beyond which there is no other. it's worse than the band because its demands are constant and unpredictable and seemingly ever-increasing. Still it's a great thing, a great space, and a great art-force in Boston. I've been involved a bit since the beginning too, occasionally helping build, and djing at gigs etc. In the grand opening/art opening, there was a wall of pictures of previous spaces, one of me at the decks, which made me grin. Opening was pretty fun, in that schmoozy way. Lots of folks i new, lots of artsy types. Interestingly there were tons of women there, waay more than used to come. I found out later that over 400 people came. pretty cool for the gallery. and they made money in donations too. I told a friend of mine about it, my new friend the angelofrepose, and she came with pals. Some of the art i liked, but it was pretty heavily dominated by irony, which i'm well over, now, thank you. mostly painting and a few 3d pieces, and a couple of sound pieces.
angelofrepose reciprocated by sponsoring my attendance to a later-that-night-artopening-benefit at m*bius artspace, which I could never have afforded. but djs c and flack were playing there. when we got to the benefit, the first person i saw was i guy i kinda knew in high school, who is forever marked by the fact that he was friends with the guy i went out with in 1996, who completely trompled my heart, moved to nyc and never spoke to me again. trompler-man is an artist, and some of the stuff at this place looked like his kind of gig, so i was immediately nervous that i'd see him. not because i'd go to pieces, y'understand, but it would bring me down. don't know if that colored my view o the art but i was unimpressed. mostly seemed very labored, installation stuff, with people-in-costumes involved.. the crowd was more of the artmoney scene (who are necessary, and probably perfectly nice and good people and that..but around whom i'm rarely comfortable). and there was a corner wall painted in swirly psychedelia, with two naked women with conventionally-nice bodies covered in the same swirliness, doing slowish uninteresting modern-dance moves with that blank "i'm doing modern dance" look on their faces. maybe the blankness was also the "i'm naked but it's art-naked" look. yawn. grrr.
duoTone's set was great, but too short, barely worth the crowds and the schmooze and generally pretentious atmos, i think. all of a sudden, everyone was dancing, when they played, which did improve the vibe immensely. Afterwards, we all headed back to dj c's pad to chat.
March 27 01 so, last wednesday, I'm flashing my badass new spectacles at mr hottie cop. actually, I'm working the blue eyeliner and mascara, and my tendency to raise one eyebrow. I explain what just happen to us down the street, in a pleasant and non-complaining tone. ask him what's that all about? he re-explains about the list. I say "but that seems kinda weird" and in a more confiding tone he starts talkin bout how some bars have a good relationship with the police (indicating his relaxed position on a barstool with a plate of chocolate cake), while others dot dot dot..
me: "but the doorman said if we went back there with a policeman he'd let us in"
he: "yes but then the city of cambridge would be liable.."
me: "i don't understand" (lashes swoosh) "if he's legally of age and his documents are okay"
he: "well I'd have to run a check on him and ask him some questions" but he says this odd thing with a hint of a smile. then: "if your friend got stabbed or something, he could sue the city of Cambridge."
me: "that wouldn't really happen, though" (swoosh. smile) "it's just that we came all the way out from Arlington, and we don't have a car and it's pouring rain (it was. shuttup. it was.).. and this dj's really famous, and only in town for tonight.."
he: "he'll come back, though, right?"
me: "my friend's visiting only till tomorrow. and the dj's from detroit (dunno why i said that)"
pause
me: "it's just too bad with this nasty weather. we don't have a car or anything, and I've been wanting to see this dj for a month."
pause
he: "what time does it start?"
me: (with bated breath) "um.. in like half an hour."
he: "I'll tell you what. you two go sit over there and have a drink or something, and when I'm done I'll walk you over there."
me: "I'll let you finish your cake" i wink.
he: "yeah let me finish my cake."
woohoo!
so after modified rapture with FAC, we wait then head over the club. now there's a line out the door. so the cop waits in line with us and we chat about the club, which apparently he's been into before (on or off duty?) and liked the music. hee. then he gets impatient and heads straight to the doorman. we follow him, as he's got FAC's id cards and stuff in hand. you shoulda seen the doorman's face! well and truly outsmarted. hah. As they talk, the doorman tries to give the cop some guff (which is always a bad move, they hate that. the cop's in our corner now, and talking bout how he 'ran a check' on FAC and he's okay and all this nonsense they can make up). meanwhile and officious twit at the front of the line says loudly and performatively "um..excuse me? did you just cut in front of me, or did I miss something?" this is it, i say to myself. you don't get to do this often. I turn to him with that sweet bitchy idareyou look: "we're with that policeman, so if you have a problem, why don't you talk to him about it." hah! hah! double hah!
so the cop hangs around inside for a while. don't blame him. the weather sucks and there are cute girls bouncing to mediocre techno (if only he'd stuck arround for the ghetto-tek). He'd asked us if we were drinking (so he could remind the doorman to give us wristbands), and I'd said no, of course. so he asked me a few minutes later about that, and I said "that's how i keep my girlish looks at my age --I'm 27." he was properly impressed. god. i wonder how old that cop was. I had the feeling, after that, that i could date me some cambridge cop if I wanted to.
March 26 01 well it's been a busy week. FAC was visiting from chicago for three days.. on his springbreak. luckily the sun came out so we could see the bare treed glory of boston in early spring. We did get out to mattapan so i could pull out some dancehall 7inches from Beehive Culture, and get a few hints on brooklyn record buying. The man behind the counter there is super-sweet and friendly and laidback, it's always a pleasure to stop by. The bus trips that get us there from Arlington are not to be belived. almost 2 hours, I believe. 3 buses, up mass ave from arlington to harvard, then from harvard to dudley square, then down blue hill ave to the zoo. a few blocks down. lucky the weather was good for us.
On wednesday, my only plan was to catch dj Assault in central square. it started pouring rain as we were heading out there.. arrived at the venue early, though, because it's small and the gig was promoted heavily. then my funny story begins:
I show the doorman my passport, and FAC shows his EU identity card. the doorman refuses the EU card. what the fuck? we argue with him. it's a completely legal document.he's used it to buy alcohol and go to clubs in chicago and never had a problem. apparently there is some list in Massachusetts of legal liquor ids, and this isn't on it. probably because the list is older than the EU.. we argue some more. finally the guy sez: "if you can find a cop to come in and vouch for this id, then we'll let you in you wouldn't even have to pay." we're thinking yeah. right. fuck you. we leave, at a loss. head down the street to the bar-club where indie bands play, my friend sean is behind the bar, and folks from the neighborhood i used to live in crowd the tables. In the back, past the bar, a young, cute cop with short dark hair and sideburns is sitting on a stool eating a pieve of cake, and chatting in spanish to the waitress. As i walk back, i look at him, and i get this vibe. i say to myself: "I bet I could talk to him." So I walk over to him and say "can I ask you a question?"
more tomorrow.
March 19 01 went out and caught junior rodigan et al at the club last night. It's advertised on the Sunday night reggae show, and it's getting much more heavily caribbean and less of a mix. Still a good time, especially cause jr. is not only a great selector but also has the best microphone presence, really funny and positive. unfotunately the restof the crowd didn't match his positivity. the night ended early because a fight broke out. way to convince the club to not have reggae nights any more. there's already a bad reputation about them, it doesn't need any more confirming. Two women who I'm just getting to know now, who i'm really going to miss, independently decided to show up, and we danced and danced.
earlier that night, while taking the train over to the club, I saw a disturbing incident. There was this awful musician playing guitar at Harvard square station, he actually seemed a little disturbed. But he got into an argument with this older man (looked like late 50s or so) who was complaining,a nd teh older man was (stupidly) verbally hostile, and calling the guy names. well the guy freaked out, and grabbed the older one by the neck, threw him against the wall, and them threw him across the platform towards the tracks. the people standing around scattered. looking. The crazy guy started forward and i just jumped out my seat and shouted HEY. HEY. STOP THAT. the crazy guy was kinda building himself up into another bit of violence and I was trying to break it. I was also scared that he'd turn it on me. It seemed to be kinda over, after a minute, so i looked for a police call box. couldn't find one, so I walked back up the platform to the place you buy your tokens and banged on the door and told them a musician had just beat up a guy. It was weird, they were totally blase about it: "oh". I asked them if they were going to do anything and the guy was like "what do you want me to do?" call the police. or a doctor. get security, fer chrissake (and i'm not even christian), you work here. I went back to the platform where the beat-up guy was gone and the violent guy was stomping around and yelled at me to put my headphones back on and stop causing trouble. Just then the train pulled in. I still didn't see any cops, so I tapped on the window of the front car's conductor booth and pointed out the guy and told him what had happened, then got into the car. we sat there in the trainfor about 10 minutes while the guy was talking t hte conductor about how his life had been threatened. vilentguy stopped only to hassle me through the open door, peaking with the comment that i was a "little lesbian." "you fit the description." he yelled, walking away. so weird. i kept thinking of smart comebacks, but it wasn't the place for them.
March 17 01 FAC is coming to visit for spring break. will be fun. looking forward going round boston with him. It's always fun to present a place you know well to other people. My one big plan, if he's into it, is to go out to mattapan to get some dancehall. i know he doesn't buy dancehall, but the long-ass commute is pretty interesting, as it reveals the urban-planned segregation of Boston in all its glory. Been meaning to get out there for records since I've been here. but it takes nigh on 2.5 or 3 hours by public transport. My resolve to get there was, um, stiffened by the milkyway gig last sunday, where junior rodigan played. last time I saw him was in mattapan, at Kay's Oasis. he's such a damn good dj, working the crowd, chatting and throwing down slammin tunes. runs a record store down on blue hill ave. even played that Lady Saw rebuttal to shagg's "it wasn't me" (where that line of the chorus is replaced by "sonovabitch". hee.)
March 14 01 Going back to England for a few days, to a conference in Twickenham (not sure where that is exactly). Hopefully I can squeeze in a day or two in London, see some folks, get some records. It's an ethnomusicology conference, with a sessions devoted to music and power and race. Hoping some people who do work on the Caribbean will be there. I heard about it too late to send in a paper, but I will be listening hard and looking for allies. I'm starting to feel like I should pursue my research further and just temp in New York --at least until after the second conference in June. That's the one in Barbados, where I might be able to present my own paper. I may be able to get a good amount of dj gigs, so i could focus on music and research. I'm starting to build up a substantial reading list/research program.
One of the most inspiring events is what's going on in Africa around patents and HIV drugs. Since there are factories in India that can make generic versions of patented drugs at a fraction of the cost --And the only thing preventing them from being sold in places like South Africa are the fact that many of these nations are members of the WTO and have signed the TRIPS agreement (that secures the intellectual property rights of the pharmaceutical companies), the president of South Africa has announced that they will be disregarding the trips agreement on moral grounds. the US has flipflopped on support for this. I find it fascinating. A moral challenge to intellectual property rights! I have all kinds of questions, mostly because I don't think intellectual property rights have been studied well, and the questions in terms of things like copyright are definitely more ambiguous... but what's amazing about this development is that while many economists and lawyers and policymakers are willing to say IN THEORY "in order for companies and individuals to invest in research and development, they have to be guaranteed a higher return on their investment than the market would naturally allow (not a free-trade argument, interestingly). this will unfortunately restrict access and raise the cost of the product, but it's neceassary to encourage research." While that may or may not be true in all cases, who's willing to say it to the face of an african dying for the lack of a particular drug that has already been invented? the challenge that the South African government has brought (which is gaining strength across africa), is to bring this question into the open, with the actual people who are affected being able to speak, instead of being mentioned ina theoretical example. heady stuff...
March 12 01 Sunday night I went to a reggae night in Jamaica Plain, absolutely the least convenient place for me to get home from, but one of the better-vibed evenings in the Boston area. Saw a cat there that I've seen about town over the years, and known to chat to for a while, and danced all downanclose style to the dancehall. which was luxuriously sweaty, and dizzyingly, lip-bitingly sexy. funny too, because usually the folk i dance with at reggae nights are not people I see in other situations. afterwards there were the slow waves of sexual awareness in the air, and we kept peeking at each other's faces ("we" i think, i know i did) because direct eye contact after all the body contact was overwhelming.
March 10 01 okay less than a month this time. I'm moving. moving and meeting. April 1, brooklyn here i come. stayed with a pal who's interconnected with many other friends, got to know him better, which was a pleasure, and branched out into the city in several ways. the apartment search was odd, entertaining and nervewracking. there are some characters out there, looking for roomates, i tell you what. And I had an interview at a recruiting agency. that was a little intimidating. I met with two people, one legal staffing person, and one entertainment-industry guy. the latter was running a much more high-powered kind of interview, lots of little psychological tests and tricks and games. i got a bit of an adrenaline rush, and it hit me all at once that the point was not to be rattled and especially not to be defensive. Both of them were full of discouraging commentary, but all of it based on the industries i was looking at, and on the narrowness of my interests, and not on my skills, qualifications, etc. So there was nothing to take personally. I'm willing to wait and to shop a round for the work I want to do. need to do some serious grant-researching as well. i'm convinced there's research money out there for me. somewhere. we'll see...
An old sweetheart is helping me move my stuff. not no-longer LDL, but a guy I dated last year before I got back together with nlLDL for the last time (yeah it was the 3rd try, or the 4th with nLDL). It was a sweet thing between us, but I was already half out the door to London, and that took some of the pressure off. So it ended with no hard feelings. we hadnt had the time to bring up many hard feelings. And now we chill. mostly. Anyway the cat is mad generous and has a truck. So I said I'd take care of gas money and feed him and such, and he said okay we can drive to the dirty city at the end of March.
I also have two academic conferences upcoming. An ethnomusicology one at the end of April (that's back in England whee!), and hopefully hopefully a Caribbean Studies one in Barbados in June. I'm hoping to present at that one. Ah into the world of adult drag.
Febuary 22 01 yah it's been a month. I just installed an ftp thingy on my mom's computer so I can update now. I don't know why i've been reluctant to update. I'm enjoying myself, but things are up in the air. I haven't had any gigs in Boston since I've been back. Things are still a festering pain in the ass with my ex-love. I love my other friends and they treat me and each other right. I am re-affiliating with some of the toneburst people and some other folks to do an event for the "cyber-arts" festival. I don't buy the cyber thing, but an excuse for a show is good. plus we picked a kool theme, based in the fact that 'cyber' originally referred to navigation. we're making it all about maps and mappingnaming and locations and webs. more on that later. I have basically finished my entries for the encyclopedia and emailed them off. I am going to New York City tomorrow for at least a week, to job- and apartment- search. I probably won't update again till I get back.
it's late and i have to pack, but i just got the urge to write. mostly because i was checking my referrer logs and saw someone found this site by searching on: "how do you get in trouble in buddhism." I don't really know. wouldn't the fact that someone cared enough to say you were in trouble be revealing of their being tied to this physical world? hee.
